Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Valley of the Dolls
I’m having a crisis. This Friday I have an appointment with designer du jour Peter Som to fit into one of his fabulous gowns for the upcoming annual Tango and Tapas Night at the Frick. Sounds like a fashionista’s dream come true, right? Wrong.
My problem stems from the fact that I’ve just come back from a 5 day weekend of bingeing on biscuits and beer only to come home to my period silently waiting to spring like a vulture at feeding time.
Yes I am the human equivalent of the Goodyear blimp. No worries, I can just veg out on the couch watching American Idol and Skating with Celebrities while I slowly deflate to normal size proportions – it’s not like I have a fitting with one of the Vogue/CFDA fund designers in two days. Oh wait, I do.
Great. So as I’m munching on my lettuce for lunch, I see my girlfriend online. I know this particular friend will have a number of slimming solutions since she is a crack addict's diet guru (Think Jenny Craig on speed; the more pills you pop, the more points you get.) Oh you thought diet pills were passé? Au contraire. Not for this girl who considers adderalll a great pick me up before a quick workout.
Here’s how the convo went:
nicoleaberrie (4:24:44 PM): oh god, but also on friday i'm going to meet peter som at his studio to fit and borrow a dress for an event next thurs. sooo freaked out cause i pigged out over the weekend AND have my period. sample size nightmare
Mara92 (4:36:48 PM): omg peter som has such pretty things...
Mara92 (4:37:12 PM): whats the event
nicoleaberrie (4:37:23 PM): yeah but i'm not gonna be able to fit in anything! he's just lending...wait what do i do, i seriously need to lose like 10 lbs in 3 days...
Mara92 (4:37:57 PM): um...i can bring you some dieters tea...you will lose like 3 lbs from it...but you are gonna be goign to the bathroom alot for a day
nicoleaberrie (4:38:05 PM): yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mara92 (4:38:18 PM): and then i can give you a redline/taurine mixture i concoted...
Mara92 (4:38:23 PM): that makes you poop too..
Mara92 (4:38:30 PM): i lost two lbs today from it..
nicoleaberrie (4:38:41 PM): wiat, that one's scary...what??
nicoleaberrie (4:38:49 PM): what the hell is that?
Mara92 (4:39:06 PM): i gained about 8 lbs between last week and today and i think my period is coming
Mara92 (4:39:18 PM): redline is basically like xenadrine but a bit stronger...
nicoleaberrie (4:39:35 PM): yikes, might stick to the tea...
Mara92 (4:39:50 PM): and taurine pills... are like vitamins to give you energy/speed up your metabolism,...its actually the main ingreideint in a red bull
nicoleaberrie (4:40:16 PM): i see...
Mara92 (4:40:21 PM): so i take two redlines and two taurines every moring when i get up and i go to the bathroom
nicoleaberrie (4:40:38 PM): delish
Mara92 (4:40:48 PM): and actually it gives crazy energy...i can run like a friggin triathalon on the treadmill after the combo...
nicoleaberrie (4:42:22 PM): what's the tea?
Mara92 (4:45:32 PM): the tea is actually the scariest
Mara92 (4:45:38 PM): its basically all senna..
Mara92 (4:45:47 PM): and it takes about 6 hours to kick in
Mara92 (4:45:55 PM): and it is the most agonizing feeling in the world
Mara92 (4:46:13 PM): it is basically giving yourself like an at-home colonoscopy
nicoleaberrie (4:46:13 PM): hahahaha, what's senna?
Mara92 (4:46:23 PM): its sooo gross
Mara92 (4:46:32 PM): you will like shit out things you didnt even know existed
Mara92 (4:46:41 PM): it completely cleans you out..
nicoleaberrie (4:46:44 PM): ok ok enough
Mara92 (4:47:01 PM): you will probably be pooping for about 5 hours, give or take...
Mara92 (4:47:17 PM): but its literally instant...like when you have the pain..you have to be by a bathroom
nicoleaberrie (4:47:28 PM): what's it called?
Mara92 (4:47:36 PM): i took it on a boat once in italy...i wanted to throw myself overboard
Mara92 (4:48:02 PM): its called three ballerina tea...
Mara92 (4:48:13 PM): and its only sold on these weird/ghetto websites
nicoleaberrie (4:48:36 PM): ok, i'm too scared...i think i'll just stick to the gym like everyday
Mara92 (4:48:39 PM): and you have to buy like 20 boxes of it...its really cheep...
Mara92 (4:49:05 PM): ok..well ill bring it just in case
nicoleaberrie (4:49:14 PM): haha ok
…needless to say I didn’t take the tea.
Final Word: If you know you’re have an appointment with a fashion designer who will grope you, pin you, tuck you and size your every extra inch to fit into his impossibly small creation, I suggest laying off the biscuits so you won’t have to drink tea.