Monday, June 26, 2006
Dear Christina Aguilera,
How did you know? Because I'm not quite sure how you figured it out so long ago. If there were a pop-tart race, you are the tortoise and all those other bitches were the hares.
Was it when you beat out Jessica Simpson for that slot on the Mickey Mouse Club when you were twelve? Or was it when you robbed B-Spears of the "Best New Artist" Grammy back in the "Genie in a Bottle" days?
And then, just to rub it in her face, you toured with Justin after he dumped her sorry ass during his height-of-his-career "Justified" days. You little devil, you always knew.
Well, now, we all know. Britney is a debacle. Plain and simple. She's a no talent pig with uber-baggage. And Jessica's a 25-year-old divorcee with frightening face-work doing acne-treatment info-mercials. I thought that shit was reserved for Joan Rivers, come on Jess.
But Christina, look at you. You are (seemingly) happily married, with the hottest new song of the summer and killer bod. You've been looking so good I'm not even going to make fun of your boob job. You look so good I have almost forgotten about the pink dreds, visible piercings, and that cheap hooker track-suit you wore in the "Dirrty" video. Almost.
Regardless, I love you, I always have. I mean with those pipes, of course you would prevail. I saw your "Driven." You've been singing like that since you were four. With that type of presence, of course you have the confidence. Of course you're the tortoise amongst the hares. Of course you always knew.
Well, I just wanted to tell you. Now we know. Now we all know. You are "Beautiful," just like you said, Even though that "Lady Marmalade" fro did nothing for you. Now I remember why we fell in love with you in the first place, and now I'll never forget.
Final Word: Do your thang X-tina, I got your back. Always.