Sunday, April 09, 2006

I Just Threw Up a Little in my Mouth


L.A. is a circus town. From its billboard-sized advertisements for beauty "enhancement" to its streets filled with SLKS driven by girls with blonde extensions, fake French manicure tips and faux mink coats, you can't make this stuff up.

Throughout our stay here we've amassed so many "throw up in our mouth moments,"it would be uncouth not to record them. So here are some slices of our trip that disgusted us so much to the point that we physically could not hold our vomit down. Note: all of these events are true and have not been altered to mask the identity of anyone.

1. No Inner Dialogue

Apparently in this town everyone thinks out loud. Like when we had dinner at Sushi Roku, the maitre d assured us that he would seat us at a "more high profile table" when we asked to be seated in the dining room. And when the bouncer at Privilege eyed us for a minute and then decided, "Yeah, you're pretty cute." I just threw up in my mouth.

2. Ashley Parker Angel and Tiffany
On our first night here at Lobby, these G-list reality show stars of MTV's "There and Back" made a cameo at our table. Tiffany, the so-called mother of a newborn, guzzled Grey Goose and cranberry like it was her job. I couldn't stop thinking, I've seen this girl give birth. I mean literally. I just threw up in my mouth.

3. Splash Private Jacuzzi Suites
Driving through West Hollywood we came upon a sprawling compound that covered a block with awnings advertising, "Hourly rental of private jacuzzi suites...where everyday is Valentine's Day." Uh, I just threw up in my mouth.

4. Men with Makeup
While outside of Privilege, waiting to get in, a forty-year old something guido stood there groping a ten-year old something blonde with fake boobs. The weird thing was his face was sparkling, like neck, ears and all. He was wearing bronzer. I just threw up in my mouth.

5. Hookers at Skybar
According to locals, Skybar is infamous for moonlighting as a brothel for high class hookers trying to score with stupid, drunk prepsters and businessmen on vacation. We saw it first hand. One girl, clad in a a mini vest and skin-tight jeans (nothing underneath), tried to recruit us to her table. After we refused, we watched her French kiss her way through 7 guys until one took her hand and they left upstairs. I just threw up in my mouth.

6. Paris Hilton in Lingerie and Fishnet Gloves Dancing on a Banquette.
Need I say more? I just threw up in my mouth.

7. Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connolly Making Out
I just threw up in my outh.

8. After-party in the Hollywood Hills
After Privilege, we were convinced to go to some "VIP"'s house for an after party. We were greeted by a short balding man in matching Burberry pajama pants and shirt, unbuttoned enough to see his greasy, curly chest hair. We turned to run but were stopped by a 6 year old blonde bimbo in her underwear complete with a garter belt and complaining she was freezing. We fled to the living room where a fake fireplace warmed a full on orgy of frat boy alums and more hookers in lingerie on a fur rug. Outside we saw more girls strip down to nothing but their implants and jump in the hot tub while the gross older men quickly followed. I just threw up in my mouth...and want my mommy.

Final Word: When I got home, I literally threw up.

3 comments:

Kurt Bettiker said...

I don't get it. How did seeing Nicky Hilton cause you to throw up? I thought you love celebrities! I know I do and want to hear more crazy stories about them. Who cares about fashion? Give me celebrities!!!

Anonymous said...

C'mon, like you wouldn't have thrown up anyway? At least this time you didn't need to stick the toothbrush down your throat...

Anonymous said...

tnx for the warning. i'll remember to bring a plastic bag if im ever in LA