Sunday, April 20, 2008

Several Deadly Sins of Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag fascinates me. And I know I'm not the only one. I would never go as far to say that’s she’s a “feminist hero” or whatever that crazy broad at The NY Times declared, but her presence is definitely something akin to that watching a car wreck cliché.

So yes, I look—admittedly—when I know I should be looking away. My fascination and all of those like it have created the monster that she has become, that poor thing. And even though I could wax philosophic on her public loss of integrity, her increasingly emaciated frame, and the size A breast implants that have somehow made their way up to her lips, today I am going to focus on what I find most urgently offensive: the fact that her stylist put her in Chloé!


Chloé is reserved for fashion girls and fashion girls alone. The famously fabulous French fashion house which helped crank out the careers of Karl Lagerfeld, Stella McCartney and Phoebe Philo is not something to be taken lightly. Actually, it is. But lightly in that artistic, effortlessly chic kind-of-way. It should not be taken in any kind of way by Heidi Montag.

I MEAN…she’s promoting a “fashion” line called Heidiwood! In Kitson of all places, for Christ’s sake! Kitson and anything related—especially anything with a Heidi-hybrid name—are the fashion anti-Christ where Chloé is its’ guardian angel. You don’t see Jesus, Mary and Joseph wandering around Purgatory, do you? And thus, you should never see Heidi Montag in Chloé.

Woah, I have no idea where all the allusions to Christianity came from (maybe it’s because the Pope’s in town?!?). But since I’ve already started, I guess I could add that seeing her in Stella McCartney for her staged Easter pics should have been taken as a sign of the impending Apocalypse. Either way, her stylist should be crucified and never resurrected (ok, now I’m taking it too far…).

Let’s get back to my point. Anyone who knows Chloé understands it should be appreciated in pieces. Although equally fabulous, one would never wear that dress and those shoes together, where I am sure head-to-toe Heidiwood would fare just fine.

Final Word: Just because all the girls on The Hills have 17 different Chanel bags doesn’t mean their allowed to engage in real fashion (with the exception of maybe, Whitney). Stick to what you know ladies; you were doing just fine in label-whore sunglasses, fitted tank tops and low-waisted jeans. I don’t want to have to get all religious again.


Jessica Claire said...

heidiwood looks like the shmatas a stripper stole out of an unsuspecting waitress' bag on the bathroom floor of a local hooters

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Siobhan said...

this made me laugh. completely agree.

Brittany said...

This was the best thing I have read all week.

we could grow up together said...

team LAUREN rules!

brandon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

As cheerily delightful as your article is, I am sure that you posses a level of fashion expertise comparable to a dyslexic toddler. Your sad attempts at being witty present little captivation; as you hide your inexperience behind clever stabs at Heidi Montag. Though I agree that Montag does not deserve a semi - eponymous clothing line; I think its time your update your Blackberry, because you are tedious and unfunny.

Palbo said...

Al que quiera entender, yo le prometo
a la Verdad acceso. Y el camino
es desentreverar un pergamino
escrito en el reverso de un boleto.

Todavía hay quien piensa que la posta
lo espera en cierto libro inmaculado
de ricas miniaturas ilustrado,
en lugar de en el cielo y en la bosta.

Dejáte de joder y sé feliz;
no te tomes en serio las teorías,
y en vez de hacerte el bueno, sé mejor.

La realidad es el calor del pis,
las lunas, los intérpretes, los días,
las lágrimas, las muertes, el amor.

Anonymous said...

Ugh, try worrying about something that actually matters.