Monday, April 03, 2006

The Tabloid Diet

Jaded by the tabloids lately? I am. Yet week after week I find myself at my local CVS in the same predicament. To buy or not to buy? Of course the answer is always buy, duh. But the whole act has become increasingly routine. It begins like this: 1. Come up with new excuse to go to the drugstore (this week it was Intuition cucumber melon razor refills, last week it was Crest Whitestrips). And 2. Wait on long line at the checkout counter until I notice it’s safe to make a discreet lunge for the tabs. This second part is tricky because depending on how many people are behind me the situation may require a little bit of acting. So the act goes, I pretend to be intrigued by the cover — “Oh my god TomKat’s breaking up? I didn’t see this one coming I thought they were so in love!” Then I slowly flip through it and let out a sigh as throw it in my basket and glance at all the others. Then I do a similar stop and grab for the rest. “This one says TomKat is back on, phew! Better just read all of them to be safe.”

Between the acts what I’m really thinking is, “Wait are these new or did I read these last week?” It’s so hard to tell these days because you see the same people on each cover, each issue. (This month’s headliner du jour is Kristin Cavalleri from Laguna Beach, but that deserves it’s own post altogether, so I’m not even going to get started.) And since I can’t rely on the covers to actually decipher the newness factor of a given issue I instead find myself in deep pensive thought trying to figure out if the date on the issue corresponds with this week. (It’s usually about two weeks ahead of the real date so you have to add and subtract dates in your head then apply sub-equations for special circumstances like holidays or a leap year.) It’s more mental workout than spur of the moment point-of-sale purchase.

When I get home I have the same monotonous routine for reading them. First I go for the newbies like Life & Style and Celebrity Living (they’re actually interchangeable because I can’t tell the difference between them) followed by OK (which thankfully just reformatted their sizing, it was way too big before) then In Touch, then Star, then Us Weekly (I have a soft spot for the original, so I always read it last). And I don’t even bother with People, too much news.

Page after page it’s the same story, same picture, same headline that I’ve already seen via the internet on the countless blogs and webpages before even purchasing the six issues I’ve just read. Yawn. Will someone please wake me up when Britney becomes suddenly slim sexy and stylish, has an affair with Brad Pitt, and the two run off together with Maddox and Zahara? Actually, don’t even bother me unless she breaks up Brangelina by having an affair with Angelina and Madonna quits Kabbalah in a jealous fit.

Final Word: I’m beyond over all of it. Starting today I declare I’m officially on the tabloid diet. I’m going anorexic, people. No more weekly newsstand binges. Who’s in with me?


Anonymous said...

No more Celebrities?!? But we NEED celebrities. You can never get enough Celebrities!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate eating too!

Anonymous said...

i'm with you, nothing tastes as good as being skinny.